How much will you buy ur groom for???

Y would a physically healthy, educated, earning/working, grownup young guy need money? I am not sure of his mental health and maturity though? I ask this to myself. 

"Well, there could be many reasons" says me to myself. "He may want to buy a land or a house for use or investment, study further, trave abroad, just splurge doing some fun things, buy some fancy gadgets for his home, contribute in his siblings wedding, gift his parents some material stuff or just put in his bank for assurance and liquidity."

Fine.. possible.. sounds good & its all ok.

But the annoyance comes into existance when you learn that he wants this money from the girl he would marry or from her parents.

yes, he needs D O W R Y.. In the form of cash or car or house or one side funding the whole wedding or a lavish honeymoon or all of these or whatever????

I dint encounter such a family during my own groom hunt search. Must consider myself lucky. 

BUT HOW??? how on earth, in todays age, can somebody even open their mouth to seek dowry, I fail to understand??? WHY is it that a girl equally capable (if he cant accept her to be better or more) does not make it all for a wedding alliance???

I have heard of girls bringing car or at times house, appliances or furnishings as wedding gift accepted from her parents. I know every parent wants to shower their daughter with everything possible for them and girl has full right to bring it along if she so wishes and if the grooms side has no issues in accepting them. Can this be termed as dowry? I dont think so, dowry is what the guy or his parents demand and I am wondering how can they make this demand... &%#$!! sorry, I had resolved not to use bad words this year!

I usually dont get into such hurting, argumentative subjects; not because I am fine with them but because i feel so incapable of changing and dealing with them on a larger scale. However, I decide to live the change; as they say- it starts from within.

All my respect goes to those parents of girls and in many cases of guys also, who oppose this sick-cheap custom or tradition. Like all other customs, dowry must also have started with some logic or reason that doesnt exist anymore but some shameless families are still safegauring this and not hesitating even if this means 'selling their son'. 

When will we change for good and move ahead??? Pains to see my country still trapped in such issues?

One of my friends came across this handsome guy whose family had a big enough mouth. With her consent I reproduce bits of what some of them said or felt. Its pains to read thru, each statement for a different reason.

guy's DAD - "I have given huge dowries for 3 of my daughters - so now I want it too."

guy - "nothing like that was mentioned on the matrimonial profile so we thought you would be open to it” 

girl - "Perhaps they didnt like me & hence asked for so much"

I am happy my friend's parents were against dowry seekers(inspite of having 2 sons u see) but who is the sufferer here? The girl ofcourse, as she makes this wrong and negative assumption about her own self..

I only told her not to think like that as I think the loss is all on other side. 

Is dowry not illegal? Something must be done to stop it, to wipe it off the society... I really feel so incapable of doing anything here but I am so upset with it :O Sorry for this cheap subject line but I am really appalled right now.

Someone out there thinks guys can be put up on sale, sons can be auctioned for a car or something. Doesnt that sound disgusting.. Its more heinous than that.

Such is life?

I fell in love with this Garhwali handsome jawan from the nearby air force base. he used to visit my fathers shop frequently to see me buy grocery. My baba’s shop was just outside the camp in Bagdogra, West Bengal. He was well built but only 19 then and I was 16 when our eyes met, later he  fought with one and all for persuasion, to make it happen and we got married in may 95. From there our life was happy together.

His family comprised of an old mother and 2 brothers. The mother never liked me but still my husband loved me very much and he allowed me live my way. We visited his village 4-5 times, and as years passed by we had babies. And today I have 3 of them, the eldest daughter is 12 yrs, a son of 10 years and another daughter of 6 years. They all love their father. I have studied only till 8^th standard, and he never let me realize that I don’t know anything about the ways of the world. Whenever we needed to go out and work things out, he would manage it; be it gas cylinder, bank, train reservation, kids schools n studies, buying things for household needs. Since I knew he is with me, I never had to worry.

he fell ill some months back and doctors said its jaundice. I tried my jhad fuk ilaz and when he didn’t get well, he rushed to the sick quarters of bhuj air force where he was posted then. his condition didn’t improve so doctors shifted him to the bigger hospital in Mumbai near the place terrorists attacked recently. He called me that time telling that there is shooting and blasts happening in TAJ hotel. I was in Bhuj with my children but wanted to come and meet him. he said no. I was able to feel the pain in his voice and ask him to come to Mumbai every time he called but since I had to take care of the kids who are going to school in kendriya vidyalaya, I stayed back with a belief that he will be ok and come back soon. he also assured us of this. but two days back, he said “theek hai phir tu aa ja.” I asked one of his relatives staying nearby to arrange for me to come to Mumbai and be with the children till I come back. I wanted to see him with my eyes to assure myself.

I reached Mumbai by train. when I went to his bed, he hugged me and started crying. he had never cried like this before. he was all pale and lean lying on the bed. I controlled myself somehow & gave him an assuring hug that he need not worry. then the whole of yday I was sitting by his side. applying oil on his feet, giving him some juice to have and when he said he wants to have muli (radish) and the doc said he should not be given this coz it creates gas, I gave little bit of it to him without doctors notice. he told me to take care of the kids and live wherever I want to and do whatever I want to. I hated him for talking like this. and in the evening I said bye to him and went to the room he had got arranged for me by talking to doctors about me coming there to see him. it was around half a km away from the hospital where most of the attendants of patients come in the night.

I wish the next day would not have come. in the morning I walked to the hospital, and when I reached there, doctors were talking in English.. one of them patted my back and slowly said, sorry we couldn’t do much and he is no more! there was some mask on my husbands face maybe for oxygen or something. what do I say? I suddenly felt some lightening had struck my head. how could this happen???????? I don’t know what to do. I want to jump into the sea. please tell these doctors to give me an injection so I go with my husband...

 ------sad!!------

yday was the first time in my life I was in a situation where being the only person sitting next to a lady just turned widow, in a hospital, all broke, so I gathered all my courage to try n console her and in the process of doing so, she was wailing with eyes wide open and told me her story.

In a state of shock for this unexpected had happened, she was inconsolable.

she belonged to bengal and her husband was from garwal. so it was a love marriage. the guys mother was not in favour so now she is gonna hate this lady even more of causing this curse to his son (that’s what this lady HEMA is fearing the most). what a pity/// I explained her that she needs to pray for her husband soul to rest in peace at this moment and not worry about other things.

she will get a job in air force since her husband died while serving, so how will she raise her kids and make is living was not an issue. the issue was where will she go? to her in-laws who don’t like her anyways, who stay in some village while her kids study in KV OR to her parents where there is an air force station nearby and a support system for sure.

she wants to do the last rituals in haridwar as that is the place near his native. but carrying his body from Mumbai to haridwar would be a cost to his brother who hesitates to spend saying air force will pay everything to HEMA later, who wants to go to bagdogra to her parents, where do I get the money from? This elder brother was looking like one lower middle class fellow but still do you think like this at such moment///

 

Family matter but it pained to see all this from such proximity yesterday when I reached hospital to see my dad.

The reason for death of this young man of 33 yrs was serious wound in his stomach caused during removal of stones by lazer. since he also had jaundice, he couldnt be operated and the the stone complicated the case. This is what i learnt from the people around.

Laminectomy with Discectomy

Lie down on the bed and try moving the fingers of ur feet.

how simple- isn’t it.. I feel similar myself and that’s why it pains all the more to see dad struggling while doing this.

 

He recently went through a surgery "laminectomy with discectomy" which in simple term means removal of a portion of vertebral bone and a fragment of herniated disc that is causing pressure on the nerve (I guess this is also called slip disc, not sure though) from the spinal canal. When the spinal cord or nerves become compressed, they don't work properly. Abnormal signals may get passed from the compressed nerves, or signals may not get passed at all. This causes electric shock pain in the back and/or legs limiting the daily normal activity, numbness or muscle weakness and in serious cases, impaired bowel and/or bladder function. Unfortunately dad suffered from all this in last 20 days. These symptoms are due to the irritation of nerve from the herniated disc by interfering with the pathway by which signals are sent from your brain out to our body extremities and back to the brain.

While dad is recovering in the hospital, I wanted to remind myself and all of you not to take our spine for guaranteed. Having done enough googling on this subject, let me give you some gyan (incase you haven’t read this in your science books in school)-

We all have a rubbery pad called disc between the hard bones in spinal column which allow the back to flex and bend and act as shock absorbers. When we are young, these discs have high water content which decreases with age making the discs brittle and less flexible. The discs begin to shrink and the spaces between the bones get narrower gradually. Some conditions that can weaken the disc include:

1. Improper lifting, bad posture, lack of physical activity OR even smoking,
   
2. Excessive body weight that places added stress on the disks (in the lower back)
   
3. Sudden pressure (which may be slight)
   
4. Repetitive strenuous activities
   

i.e. A herniated disc may occur suddenly in an event such as a fall or an accident, or may occur gradually with repetitive straining of the spine. In dad's case it was a sneeze while taking bath which caused a jerk in his waist & then the whole series of problems..

So please be careful of your body to avoid this painful experience.

This leads me to another Y – why does god have to create such diseases for us?????

Mind over Matter?

A colleague of mine did something today that has me thinking about it still. Finding an apology mail, suddenly out of the blue would do this to most of us; it says, its for all those times when she hurt me. More than surprised, for she thinks she hurt me, I am trying to understand even if she did, why did she?

I hope everything is alright there and whatever is going on in her mind, gets off her mind soon as I never felt hurt or anything. I tried conveying that to her & in reply she says, my alternate career could be writing as I love doing that. So she has plainly refused to believe me.

Reason for such reaction from me could be due to my being less observant and attentive than few others round, about certain things. But the fact is- most of the times, its immaterial for me.

Some say its my 'no care' attitude. Could it be that? perhaps yes! Should I care about people who want to hurt me? I am only giving an example.. but when I am engaged in my own world, I am a happier person so why would I get entangled into these issues n get hurt?

Some also say that I have a terribly big eye for detail. I myself am a victim to that. My workplace believes in playing with ones strengths rather than weaknesses. But they also convinced me that your strengths could be your biggest weaknesses if not worked upon carefully. That’s some gyan from 'gallups strengths finder' but yes I do have not one but two big eyes for detail. Ask Amit.

He says my problem is that I take everything literally whereas his statements are most of the time symbolic. Now I don’t remember what was the exact issue that triggered this realisation between the two of us but how could I be so dumb to do so? of not understanding what he really means.. Here again! I feel like telling myself- Does that really matter? I am the way I am.

With a mind full of all such clutter, here ends the day and time for me to try some good night sleep.

Y series

My mom & dad were happy when I was born, though my grandma perhaps wanted a grandson after my elder sister being already there. I was their New Year gift. Mom says I have been a hassle free girl, no crankiness-no fuss, very quiet and nice baby. I think I have also been lucky to get things my way with little or no effort from their side, be it admission to pre primary or college or job or Amit.
But still, I know they have done so much for me and I will be doing everything that I can and I also know that won’t be even a fraction of what they did & still offer to do for us. Today when I think of the situation of being a parent, I am not able to think of anything. I am so busy in my own rigmarole. It’s such a commitment, devotion, responsibility and promise. It demands investment of the best years of your life. They happily did this investment even if that would have pinched them at times giving up all their other priorities or interests only to see a time in future when they have to stay alone all over again but this time with lesser energy and grey hair still wishing the best for us and their eyes always looking forward to see us, spend some time with us, talk to us, to hear us and be happy knowing that we are so.
I so much wish I was around them today and always, when they need me and when I am capable of giving them some comforts in life. But I can’t do that as much because they married me off and that resulted in now me being entangled in my own things. Y did they have to do this?